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Você Não Conhece Seu Marido (ele Também Não Conhece Você)

Você não conhece seu marido (ele também não conhece você)

O amor é o maior motivador de uma mulher e o respeito é o maior motivador de um homem.

Durante brigas no casamento, o marido reage de forma destrutiva quando se sente desrespeitado e a mulher quando não se sente amada.

Os especialistas em relacionamentos, Dr. Emerson e Sarah Eggerichs, perguntaram a 7 mil pessoas a seguinte questão:

“Quando vocês brigam, vocês se sentem falta de respeito ou falta de amor?”

83% dos homens disseram falta de respeito. 72% das mulheres responderam falta de amor.

É claro que precisamos tanto de amor quanto de respeito para sermos felizes, mas, com base nesta informação, conseguimos traçar planos mais eficientes para que nossas demonstrações de afeto cheguem ao outro.

Durante os inevitáveis conflitos, poderemos manter em mente se nossas palavras soam desrespeitosas, se elas reduzem o outro; e se nossas atitudes manifestam separação ou desprezo: falta de amor.

Entre em contato

Dolores Bordignon ministra dezenas de oficinas e palestras sobre casais e relacionamentos. Entre em contato com a psicopedagoga e promova um evento em sua instituição. Transforme a vida das pessoas.

Diferenças entre gêneros: conheça a mente do outro

Vamos praticar um exercício juntas. Vamos entrar na sua mente e na do seu marido para compreendermos, de fora, o que tem ocorrido.

Como ela percebe a situação:

A esposa está frustrada porque enxerga o marido menosprezando e negligenciando suas emoções. Para ela, ele é frio e objetivo demais.

Ela não consegue acreditar como ele aponta fatos e dados para resolver suas dores quando, na verdade, ela apenas queria ser escutada, acolhida… Ela queria apenas importar para ele.

Ela acredita que o amor é manifestado através do esforço em compreender e participar dos sentimentos dela.

Assim, a chave, para ela, seria conexão. Os dois conversariam sobre o que sentem e se ajudariam mutuamente em direção ao autoconhecimento.

Afinal, este seria o sentido do casamento: marido e esposa descobrindo juntos o que sentem e explorando estas emoções. Enfim, criando intimidade.

Para ela, não conversar é o mesmo que dizer “isso não importa”. Ou seja, o casamento não importaria e ela não importaria.

Como ele percebe a situação:

Ela está sempre absorvida por seus próprios sentimentos. Só fala dela o tempo inteiro e não consegue se desligar disso. Ela parece controlada pelas emoções.

Pior ainda, eu saio como culpado de tudo que acontece. Quanto mais eu tento ajudá-la a sair do sofrimento, mais causa deste sofrimento eu me torno. 

O marido se pergunta constantemente: por que cada pequena coisa precisa ser tão grande e importante? Por que não pode haver um dia ou dois em que as coisas estão apenas bem? Por que precisamos discutir tudo?

Por que duas pessoas maduras são podem apenas aproveitar a vida em vez de ficarem debatendo cada mínimo aspecto?

Homens não ficam investigando tudo que se passa e, mesmo assim, temos grandes amizades e laços.

Nós sentimos boas intenções dos outros e nem tudo precisa ser uma ofensa terrível. Não ficamos telefonando e convocando nossos amigos para avisá-los que machucaram nossas emoções.

Por que minha esposa é sempre apontada como aquela que mais demonstra amor ou até mesmo como a que mais ama, quando é ela que fica criando listas de tudo que é negativo na nossa vida?

Espero que você tenha conseguido visualizar as situações e as mentes de cada um dos parceiros.

Porque é exatamente isso que acontece dentro de cada um de vocês.

Geralmente, quando uma discussão acontece, ambos têm muito boa vontade em resolver a situação.

Você precisa confiar nisso. Há boa vontade, há interesse.

O que não há é compreensão sobre como a mente do outro funciona.

O que não há é a capacidade de decifrar o código do parceiro, a linguagem do parceiro.

Por amor pelo seu marido e pelo casamento, você quer investigar a questão e resolver tudo em sua mente.

Contudo, o que você vê como amor ele vê como desrespeito.

Por outro lado, ele acredita que a ação mais amorosa e honrável é se afastar um pouco para impedir que pequenas coisas tomem proporções gigantescas. É simplesmente deixar para lá para poder aproveitar as coisas com você.

Contudo, o que ele vê como amor, você vê como distanciamento.

Por que isso acontece? De volta ao passado.

Você se lembra quando tinha 12 anos?

Se você é uma mulher e tinha muitas amigas, estas amizades eram o mundo para você.

Vocês conversavam apaixonadamente sobre tudo por horas no telefone: quem se sentou ao seu lado, o bilhetinho passado na sala de aula, o corte de cabelo da colega, planos para sua festa de aniversário.

Ah, os planos. Você passava horas planejando sua vida – como seria seu namorado, quem seria ele, o que vocês fariam juntos e em que tipo de casa morariam. Você sabia até o nome dos seus futuros filhos.

E seu marido, o que estava fazendo nesta época?

Aos 12 anos, o mais provável é que ele não se importasse nem um pouco com o corte de cabelo do colega ou a cor da cortina da casa que compraria com sua suposta esposa daqui 20 anos.

Ele estava jogando bola com os amigos. Apenas isso.

O jogo não era uma desculpa para ficar pensando sobre como o amigo agiu durante a partida ou ficar ofendido porque fulano não passou a bola ou qualquer coisa do gênero. Era apenas o jogo. Passe a bola e faça o gol.

Anos depois, este menino e esta menina se conheceram. Se apaixonaram e se casaram.

Todos os sonhos e maneiras de ser daquela menina prosseguiram. Ela entrou no casamento pelo casamento. Ele entrou no casamento por ela.

Direi algo que pode surpreender você: a mulher é capaz de encontrar felicidade em incontáveis fontes. Amigas, aula de zumba, filhos, estudos, carreira e, claro, também o marido.

A mulher é movida por um pacote complexo de elementos.

O casamento é uma instituição crucial para ela. É uma instituição sagrada: casa dos sonhos, filhos bem cuidados e marido. É criar e manter um pacote de sonhos que ela vem planejando desde a infância.

Contudo, para o homem não é bem assim. A mulher é central. Apenas isso.

Certamente, ele ama os filhos e a casa, mas o casamento aconteceu por um objetivo: fazer a mulher feliz. Não é à toa que sua forma mais eficaz de demonstrar amor por ela seja através do sexo, uma forma intensa e direta de expressar amor por alguém.

Eles também precisam que suas esposas os admirem e os respeitem. Isso é geralmente menosprezado pelas mulheres, mas é crucial para eles.

Assim, quando o homem simplesmente termina um casamento, a mulher geralmente fica atônita. Ela não consegue compreender como ele pôde destruir todo o esforço dela em construir este universo.

Para ela, o casamento tem um valor em si – como ele foi capaz de ir embora disso tudo?

Muitos homens sentiam que sim, o casamento era importante, afinal, ela queria tanto o casamento, mas a instituição não era o motivo pelo qual ele estava lá.

Ele estava lá pela esposa. Quando os sentimentos por ela desaparecem, não é difícil partir do resto.

Neste momento, a ex-esposa não consegue compreender o que ocorreu, até porque grande parte dos homens não reúne seus sentimentos de forma tão clara, quem dirá expor tudo isso para a mulher?

Ao longo do tempo, o fator medo também foi importante para ir minando a relação. Como ele diria algo para ela que fosse fazê-la infeliz? Como ele diria algo que afastaria a mulher dele?

O que você deve aprender de tudo isso:

Graças às diferenças, o homem e a mulher não estão exatamente jogando o mesmo jogo desde o início da relação.

Compreender as diferenças de mentalidade é um dos fundamentos do casamento feliz.

Falo sobre verdadeiramente compreender. Compreender como funciona a mente do outro hoje, como ela foi criada. Suas histórias, seus desejos, seus medos e formas de ver o mundo.

Quando você não conhece o que move seu parceiro, você não consegue respeitar sua forma de viver e não dá espaço para que ele se manifeste como é.

Quando o homem não conhece o que move sua parceira, ele não consegue abraçá-la e celebrar a maneira com que ela segura todo este complexo universo o tempo inteiro. O sentimento que surge a partir disso é de falta de reconhecimento e de amor.

A solução, porém, é simples: ter verdadeira motivação em conhecer o outro.

Queira conhecer o outro de uma forma que você, provavelmente, nunca sequer tentou.

Comece a entender as histórias de vida do outro, o ser humano que ele é. Pare de achar que o outro é um mero reflexo seu e ame-o de verdade, tendo como principal motivador o desejo de saber o outro completamente.

Questões para reflexão do casal:

Questão 1 – O que ela vê como “apontar dados e fatos para resolver sentimentos” pode ser uma tentativa genuína para solucionar algo que deixa a esposa infeliz.

O que será que ele está pensando quando propõe um caminho alternativo para reduzir seu sofrimento da forma mais rápida possível?

Como a esposa pode responder a isso de uma forma que, simultaneamente, consiga enxergar este carinho e avisar o marido que sente necessidade de prosseguir a discussão?

Questão 2 – Para muitas mulheres, a chave da conexão com o marido é estabelecer uma comunicação densa e detalhada. Porém, ele não sente que o casal precisa conversar sobre tudo para ter esta intimidade.

Como ele sente que esta intimidade deve ser construída? A esposa está disposta a sacrificar um pouco desta comunicação para atender às necessidades dele e se conectar como ele gostaria?

Questão 3 – Por que homens têm dificuldade de compreender que a relação com a esposa não é a mesma que eles têm com os amigos, até mesmo os grandes amigos? Será que eles não querem que o casamento seja mais especial do que um encontro com os parceiros de futebol?

Será que este casamento vale a pena o esforço de tentar aprender como a esposa precisa se conectar com o marido?

Questão 4 – Por que a esposa vê a tentativa do marido em terminar discussões rapidamente como uma forma de negligenciá-la? Seria a esposa representada por esta discussão de uma forma tão forte que ela confunde a distância da briga com distância dela?

Como ela pode interpretar esta questão de uma maneira mais eficaz e como ele pode abraçar as necessidades comunicacionais dela?

Será que ambos estão dispostos a aprenderem como comunicar os desafios de uma forma tão eficiente, que fique bom para todos?

avatar

Dolores Bordignon

Terapeuta e Coach de casais

Dolores Bordignon tem mais de duas décadas de experiência clínica, somando centenas de casos individuais, de famílias e casais que desejam construir novos paradigmas. Suas palestras e workshops trazem à luz a importância da inteligência emocional para as relações pessoais, profissionais e familiares.

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