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Três Traições Que Estão Destruindo Sua Relação (e Que Não São Infidelidade)

Três traições que estão destruindo sua relação (e que não são infidelidade)

Infidelidade é a traição da qual nossa sociedade mais fala (e teme). Mas, é justamente antes de chegar ao ato da traição em si, em uma camada mais sutil e imperceptível, que ocorrem as traições que arruínam os relacionamentos.

Quando os parceiros param de escolher um ao outro no cotidiano, a confiança e o comprometimento se perdem. Companheiros até podem estar cientes da deslealdade que estão sentindo, mas acabam deixando de lado porque “não é tão grave quanto uma traição”.

Isso é falso. Qualquer coisa que viole o contrato mútuo do respeito, da confiança e da proteção é tão prejudicial quanto consumar uma traição com uma terceira pessoa.

Traições estão fundamentadas em dois blocos: decepção (não revelar suas necessidades verdadeiras para evitar conflitos) e um desejo intenso de conexão emocional fora da relação.

Abaixo, apresento três tipos de traição capazes de destruir seu relacionamento tanto quanto ficar com outra pessoa. Observe-as e assuma a responsabilidade por seus atos para que sua relação possa restabelecer a confiança necessária, que é o combustível do seu casamento ou união.

https://youtu.be/3HvyeSSuRoM

Traição emocional

É muito fácil que pessoas da sua vida passem a suprir deficiências do seu relacionamento. Pode ser alguém do trabalho, da cafeteria ou até mesmo da academia.

Estas pessoas despertam desejo e interesse em você, suprem o laço faltante da cumplicidade – e, assim, não é mais preciso construir conexão verdadeira com o parceiro que te aguarda lá em casa. Afinal, você já tem outra pessoa que faz isso por você.

Estas relações alheias, não sexuais, não são necessariamente traições. Elas serão caso haja uma substituição do seu companheiro por esta terceira pessoa.

Será que minha amizade é uma traição?

Como saber se aquele novo amigo representa um perigo para sua relação? Questione-se sobre estes três fatores. Seja honesta.

– Você tem escondido a amizade?

– Você compara seu parceiro ao amigo e o traz às discussões do casal para mostrar como outra pessoa é superiora ao seu companheiro?

– Você já fantasiou que seu amigo é seu parceiro (seja na cama ou na vida emocional)?

Se você respondeu “sim” a alguma destas questões, sua amizade pode ser íntima em excesso, de forma prejudicial para seu próprio relacionamento amoroso.

Reflita sobre o que você está buscando nesta amizade e converse com seu marido ou namorado. Seja honesta sobre o que pode estar te faltando e tente construir isso com a pessoa certa.

Sim, este caminho pode ser mais longo e árduo, mas é o caminho com o qual você assinou um contrato – e esta lealdade à sua própria palavra é essencial para sua percepção tanto da relação quanto de si mesma.  

Amor condicional

Casais não se sentem apoiados quando um parceiro está sempre com um pé para fora da relação. O outro sabe que seu interesse não é pleno. O outro sente que há algo errado.

Infelizmente, as coisas aqui não são tão palpáveis quanto uma amizade arriscada. É muito mais difícil dar nomes aos bois nesta situação.

O que acontece? Seu parceiro começa a culpar diversos aspectos da sua vida, quando, na verdade, a única causa para este muro entre vocês dois é a falta de comprometimento.

É o que John Gottman chama de Amor Condicional. Você não está presente para tudo que vier, apenas para algumas situações. A insegurança gerada no outro é simplesmente injusta.

Se você não se importa de conviver com alguém que sente medo constante, ou de ser o fator gerador deste medo, pense que um ser humano que vive atemorizado não consegue ser o que verdadeiramente é.

Ou seja, quando você não se entrega ao outro, não conhece o outro. Ao ponto em que a relação se desfará e você sequer será capaz de dizer que conheceu a pessoa que acaba de passar por sua vida.

Quando os casais ignoram ou dispensam diálogos profundos sobre situações difíceis, eles estão construindo o que chamamos de comprometimento superficial.

Neste caso, é muito comum acabar gerando um dos padrões mais perturbadores dos relacionamentos: procurar brigas com o único intuito de criar um espaço de conversa.

Afinal, relações não sobrevivem no silêncio constante. Se o outro precisar do conflito para se aproximar, ele criará conflito. Pense sobre isso.

Casais que se amam incondicionalmente vivem por outro lema, bastante diferente da fuga da proximidade: “quando você está machucado, o mundo para e eu te escuto.”

É aqui que a necessidade da briga desaparece.  

Retirada emocional

A retirada emocional pode ser algo grande, como preferir ficar trabalhando em vez de ir a uma celebração do seu companheiro. Também, pode se manifestar através de pequenas coisas, quando você pega o celular para checar seus e-mails quando você sabe que o parceiro precisa de apoio.

Uma relação comprometida exige que ambos estejam lá um para o outro através de jornadas de transformação, o que inclui conquistas e traumas.

Todos têm maneiras diferentes de se expressar. Na relação comprometida, é a responsabilidade de descobrir as melhores formas de comunicação que origina a sensação de compreensão, de amor, de proteção e apoio.

Para melhorar sua conexão emocional, foque no cultivo da admiração e da apreciação do outro.

Tenha humildade suficiente para compreender que você jamais conseguirá saber quem o outro é, mas que conhecê-lo é justamente o acordo que você assinou ao escolher uma pessoa.

Para colaborar nesta viagem de conhecimento sobre a complexidade do outro (desejos, medos, formas de se expressar e, mais ainda, de reconhecer as suas atitudes e intenções) eu volto a indicar as Cinco Linguagens do Amor.

Reconheça qual destas linguagens mais te traduz e qual delas mais supre o bem-estar emocional do seu parceiro. Abuse das ferramentas. Não existe amar de forma errada: errado é insistir em falar uma língua que o outro é incapaz de compreender.

Segundo o Dr. Gary Chapman, as cinco linguagens do amor são: palavras de afirmação, atos de serviço, tempo de qualidade, toque físico e receber presentes. Conheça-as abaixo.

Palavras de afirmação: são palavras de conforto, motivação, valorização e reconhecimento à outra pessoa para que ela se sinta mais confiante e amada.

Atos de Serviço: pode ser que você ou seu marido prefira se doar em atos em vez de proferir belas palavras. Estas pessoas têm verdadeira necessidade de ajudar e se sentem muito preenchidos pelo sentido de entrega e, claro, de reconhecimento e valorização.

Tempo de Qualidade: pessoas que precisam de tempo de qualidade precisam que você esteja de corpo e alma ao lado delas – algo dificílimo em um casamento com filhos, com celulares, agendas lotadas e contas para pagar. Dedique tempo de presença real a estas pessoas.

Toque Físico: o toque é um dos mais poderosos gestos na relação. Abrace, deite junto, faça carinho, acolha o corpo do outro. O toque fortalece nosso ser desde nossa época de nenês, no colo da mãe ou do pai. É algo inato em nós, que não pode ser mudado.

Presentes: uma forma de materializar seus sentimentos pelo outro e demonstrar sua afeição e carinho. Não falamos de torrar dinheiro comprando o outro. Falamos de pequenos mimos, uma flor, um bilhete de amor, um jantar especial. São ações de amor materializadas.

Você e seu marido descobrirão juntos qual destas linguagens mais preenche a alma um do outro. Caso ainda não saibam, experimentem todas. Uma por mês, quem sabe? Ao descobrirem o que mais agrada ao outro, vocês passarão a dedicar este período do mês a falar esta linguagem.

Descubra o prazer de descobrir as linguagens do amor: as suas, as do seu companheiro e até as da relação, que pode extrair de vocês dois línguas e mensagens que você mesma desconhecia.

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Dolores Bordignon

Terapeuta e Coach de casais

Dolores Bordignon tem mais de duas décadas de experiência clínica, somando centenas de casos individuais, de famílias e casais que desejam construir novos paradigmas. Suas palestras e workshops trazem à luz a importância da inteligência emocional para as relações pessoais, profissionais e familiares.

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