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Se Você Me Ama, Mude-me!

Se você me ama, mude-me!

Há uma visão geral de que a coisa mais romântica que se pode dizer a alguém é: “Eu não quero mudar nada em ti” ou “eu te adoro tal como és”. De acordo com a filosofia Romântica, não há dúvidas de que amar não é tentar mudar outra pessoa, MAS…

Recusar-se a ouvir todas as ideias de mudança por parte dos nossos parceiros só faria sentido se nós já fôssemos praticamente perfeitos.

No entanto, quanto mais tempo duas pessoas passam juntas, maiores as chances de repararem em coisas que estão bem longe de serem perfeitas. Isso pode acontecer com algo bastante sutil, como o jeito que o outro mastiga, ou com algo maior, como a atitude do outro com relação à carreira ou à família.

Muitas outras pessoas podem já ter reparado nestes problemas. Se nunca disseram nada, não é porque são mais simpáticos, só se importam menos. Mas, as nossas caras metades podem e devem se preocupar. Este é o privilégio misto do trabalho de uma relação.

Porém, como o conceito da EDUCAÇÃO NO AMOR assume tão pouca importância, as coisas tendem a correr muito mal quando há uma lição a aprender, não é mesmo? Tendemos a achar que APRENDER, quando a lição vem do parceiro, é como um julgamento ou crítica, quando, na realidade, o tamanho de um amor se mede pelo quanto os dois parceiros cresceram (aprenderam) juntos. Mas, a negação da educação no amor não é culpa de um ou do outro. É uma triste sinergia que impera no imaginário amoroso em ambas as partes.

Aquele que ensina, devido à falta de confiança na legitimidade da sua tarefa, pode não estar nem calmo ou preparado. Ainda, com tanto em jogo, o medo de não ser ouvido num assunto tão importante, pode rapidamente explodir em raiva ou desgosto.

Já sobre aquele que tem algo a aprender, a nossa cultura preconiza que opiniões não são românticas ou legítimas, que ter uma opinião é destruir o romantismo da relação. Assim, aquele que precisa aprender se sente injustiçado, provocado ou humilhado e recorre, então, àquela frase reconfortante, mas sem sentido: “Se você me amasse, não me criticaria”

No amor, somos com frequência terríveis professores e alunos. Somos, na realidade, tão imperfeitos, que temos que ensinar e aprender que crítica de qualidade é a salvação e não o fim do amor.

Muito do amor é à base da tolerância e de aceitar as falhas, claro, mas um boa parte é também à base de oferecer opiniões que mais ninguém se importa em dar. O amor não deve ser acariciar tudo o que temos, mas sim ver o potencial em alguém e, a partir daí, confiar o suficiente um no outro para ouvir opiniões desafiantes.

Então, qual é a grande diferença entre crítica destrutiva e educação no amor? A crítica aponta a falha e vai embora, deixando o outro sozinho e perdido em sua ignorância. A educação anda junto na construção da melhoria. Ali, existe uma pedagogia no crescimento conjunto, em que o outro se importa tanto, mas tanto, que ele não apenas enxerga a falha, mas como se empenha em todos os esforços, com o outro, para transformar o quadro – e neste processo, cresce junto.

>> Fique por dentro do que há de mais interessante no mundo da Inteligência Emocional. Siga a psicopedagoga Dolores Bordignon no Facebook e acompanhe todos os posts da série “Por que amor?”!

(Assista a vídeos sobre o tema em The School of Life)

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